I have a very low threshold for emotional pain. This is probably due to having a chemically depressed mind as well as being a highly sensitive person in all ways. All of my senses are heightened. I have amazing vision, probably better than 20/20 and I notice things that most don't. I probably hear at about 5db across all frequencies. I wouldn't be surprised if I heard at close to 0 db. (ok, I'm in the field...basically this means damn good hearing in comparison to the norm). So, you get the point...
Well, emotional pain is here again. Each time something crushing happens, I think the next time should be easier to deal with. This is not the case. It's worse. My mind does not know how to deal with this rationally. It's a sudden feeling of doom. It feels so inescapable that there are only two choices for me. Sleep or suicide. I can't function. I can't be a mom, I can't be a person. I am not there. I want to escape the prison that is pain. This is where depression emerges again. My mother is in town. She hears me on the phone. She's heard this before. The me that is stifiled by pain. No eating, a lack of desire to do anything at all except sleep. She tries to pry me up "C'mon, you need to do this for Tay". It's not as if I don't want to. It's that I cannot. I can't explain this to her. I just say, "I know I do." I do know I need to, I just don't have the tools to at the time. My mind is trapped.
The dread:
Tomorrow is the 4th. I have to function somehow. My family is 'counting on me' to be there, putting on that happy face among too many people celebrating one of my least favorite holiday's of all when I feel completely ill.
My eyes are swollen. My head is pounding. Everything is crashing down when I have everything 'going for me'. Ugh how I hate that statement. "oh, Kris, you have SO much going for you". Well, then why do I feel so empty?....
>>> Christina 7/3/2008 7:53 AM >>>
>>> Allison 7/3/2008 7:41 AM >>>
I <3 that little one year old boy.
He smiles at me. So cute.
Also, Lyrika made me "Awww" last night because when she saw my pull my phone out of my purse she said, "You gonna call Will?"
After I explained to her that I was not, in fact, calling Will... she said, "Oh, you calling Aye-son (Allison)?" Then I laughed a little and explained my ringer to her... even though she had no clue.
She's adorable and so talkative now. She's getting better. I can now translate 50% of what she says.
Oh, also, I think my hormones have leveled out a little. I do not feel like a crazy bitch nearly as much anymore. I haven't *really* cried in the past month. This is a good thing. I'd like to return to a normal level of emotionality for myself.
Justin's car got hit a few days ago while it was parked. A hit and run. It's going to cost him about $800 to fix it. He was quoted $100 less, so he's gonna try to get some of that knocked off. I was surprised that his insurance didn't help out with unfortunate things like that.
Maybe mine wouldn't either. I don't know.
My eyes are tired. I think I need some artificial energy.
So far no one has called me about seeing the fireworks, so I think my plans to clean my room are still in place.
And if I cannot finish it tonight, I have Friday to work too. 'Cause it's finally the weekend! Woo!
I have thirsty flowers. In the few days I've had them in my room, they've sucked up about a centimeter of water out of my martini glass. Woah.
I'm taking a break from dancing on the beach by myself! It's so awesome to be free & have fun with your tunes & the waves! Life is fantastic!
Things on Tuesday/Wednesday:
Loathe:
unpacking
feeling completely busy when I'm on 'break'
nightmares that had me waking up nearly every hour last night
having to make decisions within a limited amount of time and being completely torn about them
PMS and it's horror
Coach purses (complete waste of $ and ugly as hell - I don't understand the trend)
Happies:
Tay is home!
Waking up and realizing the nightmares are just nightmares
Seeing my Mom
Laughing until my face hurts
Feeling understood/uninhibited
Guacamole
I think it's amazing that you can want something and fear it at the same time.
I think it's amazing that sadness can turn into happy recollection.
I think it's amazing that loving someone isn't enough sometimes.
I think it's amazing that something can be simple and complex at the same time.
The other night, I was thinking about my regrets.
I only have two.
1: To ring in 2007, I spent the evening with Justin, just watching movies in his room and chillin' out. At the end of the night, he started to walk me to my car, but it was pouring, so we stopped on the carport and said our little goodbyes there. He kissed me. I smiled. He kissed me again. This time his hand gently grazed my cheek. It was so sweet and so intimate. I pulled away. You see, vulnerability wasn't my thing back then. I felt intimidated.
Things started going downhill after that. Sometimes I wonder if it was my hesitation that got him thinking.
I wish I hadn't pulled away. I wish I had allowed myself to get lost in that moment. (I kicked myself all the way home.)
2: The last night I spent with Will. I tried so hard to stay awake. I regret not forcing my eyes to stay open just a minute or two longer. I wanted to stay awake forever and I really didn't want to leave. My heart felt completely exposed with him and I didn't ever want it to go into hiding again.
I don't regret being vulnerable. I would much much rather feel as amazing as I did when I took that chance seeing Will. I wouldn't trade those couple of days for anything. Even though it hurt quite terribly to find out we were not on the same page, it was 150% worth it.
That's all. I laid awake the other night thinking about these things.
I felt my sadness. It felt raw.
Then I felt ok.
My brain works funny sometimes.
Loathes:
Waking up early/not being able to sleep.
Being stuck on repeat.
Being stuck in a friend zone. (Even though it might be best)
My tummy and it's brokenness.
Loves:
It's almost Thursday which means my work week is almost over.
The possibilities that I feel when I think about taking more classes.
Plus we've got curves & learning how to use 'em! LOL!
So happy. So so happy! Today is all about more relaxing & napping ;)
I, once again, changed my major and am now a "General Studies" major. It still won't let me sign up for classes due to my "student status" and I have no idea what that means. Maybe the paperwork just didn't go through yet. Hmmmm.
Anyway, I am kind of pumped to get the ball rolling again. I'm thinking Millersville. I'm thinking Art Ed and English Sec. Ed.
I was going to just go the English route, but... Art is kind of my thing. It is fun. It is interesting and I think I could be passionate about it. I know it would be exciting to find a student who is passionate about it as well...
Also, if I taught art, the class would not be a joke, ok? There would be real work involved.
And with my love of art history, I'd mix some of that in there too.
So, yeah. That's all I know right now. I'll probably need to find a job by the end of August now. No clue about that one... but I think maybe this is a good direction for me. I'm kind of excited right now, anyway.
As for the Justin thing I mentioned yesterday... my sister tried to drop a hint that I might be interested again. He told her she was wrong, that I don't like him and that we are just really awesome, best friends. Which is what I intended... but... now... I eat my words. This may be a lost cause. I should probably not try anything.
Part of me thinks he was saying it so adamantly because he wants us just to be strictly friends. Or it could just be that I told him it would be a "sick twist of fate" if we ever got back together... like, 2 months ago.
I mean, the other option is laying myself [figuratively] bare at his feet and just telling him I've had a change of heart based on his actions the past couple months.
Blah, you guys. I can't even say he's the confusing one because I brought this on on myself.
