Posts (page 2)
I apologize. This is all off the cuff.
I miss you. Gods, how I miss you. I screwed things up as I usually do.
I should have met you. The timing wasn't right, obviously. I wish it had been.
I want to comfort you. I want to hold you in my arms and tell you that everything will be alright.
There is nothing in me except to help people. Succor people. Nurse them to their best.
I am so happy and proud of you. I cannot help but weep at what you have done.
I wish I were a stronger man. A better man. I might be worthy of any of you.
But I am not. I am human. I am weak. I am a cold and broken man crying Hallelujuah.
If you want a lover
Ill do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
Ill wear a mask for you.
Goddamn you , Leonard Cohen, you brilliant bastard.
Capable of endless love and endless flexibility, I am a being of twisted desires.
But you can’t give your heart to a wild thing; the more you do, the stronger they get. Until they’re strong enough to run into the woods. Or fly into a tree. Then a taller tree. Then the sky. That’s how you’ll end up if you love a wild thing. You’ll end up looking at the sky. But believe me- it’s better to look at the sky than to live there. Such an empty place; so vague. just a country where the thunder goes and things disappear…
- Truman Capote, Breakfast at Tiffany's
I've given my heart to too many wild things. It has been carried away to that country where the thunder disappears. There's no return from that place. Just like there's no country for poets or old men.
I'm left with a chest as empty and open as the sky, gray and cloudless on an overcast summer evening, right before the rain begins to descend upon the soil.
I live in that space. That empty, open space. Open as the plains. I hunt for pieces of the heart that used to be there. Search them out like artifacts of a tribe from previous eras. I am unsuccessful. There is nothing left.
Always out of reach. Everything always out of reach. My own heart. Women. Success. Just a hair's breadth away, but might as well be across the Milky Way.
Since I've never done it, nor will I again, I'll do a things on Tuesday.
Loathe:
I am constantly surrounded by women I want but cannot have. I drank with no less than 5 of them tonight.
Married ex-girlfriends who flirt.
Girls going back to their dirtbag ex's.
Being me.
Like:
Even after last weekend, I still get amazing deals at the bar.
Drinking with friends, even if it means afterward I have to wrestle with difficult thoughts.
Walking through downtown at night.
Being told I'm a great friend.
And most of all, by the grace of whatever higher power controls this universe, finding my iPhone tonight, intact but dead. Charging it now, going tomorrow to turn everything on it back on. Oh, fucking huzzah.
Found the bottle with my name on it.
I recall things pretty clearly until last call. Then it gets fuzzy.
There's a story of my magical adventure after that time. I went to talk to the bar owner earlier and he was just laughing. Going back shortly to talk to the bartenders who took care of me last night to hear the whole thing and see the pictures.
Made an ass of myself. So it goes.
Lost my iPhone. No idea where it is. No money to replace it. Trying to figure out what I'm going to do about that situation. Of anything, that's what I'm most upset about. No way at all to replace the texts I had saved on it.
The wedding is over.
Another friend married off.
I am now officially the last single member of my circle.
Rehearsal was fun.
Post-rehearsal was more fun.
We wore our suits most of the day and looked damn good.
The wedding was beautiful.
Alabama is stupid hot, though.
Note to self: never plan a summer wedding in the South.
Flirted with the bridesmaids.
Flirted with the photographer.
Drank Crown Royal out of flasks.
Danced like a fool to Footloose.
I'm off in search of whiskey now.
And downtown.
There's a bottle somewhere in this town with my name written on it.
I intend to find it.
Good music. Bad night. Listen to the music. Ignore the man behind the blog.
July was good.
The first week-and-a-half of August has been terrible.
Savings are dwindling.
Patience is vanishing.
Hope is short supply.
Bachelor party.
Nashville.
Two adjoining suites.
Two nights of debauchery.
If I make it back on Sunday I'm not certain I'll be fit to live.
Holding together, though the vacation period of unemployment has passed and I'm now slamming into the first stages of depression. I've avoided it thus far, as the first three weeks I was unemployed I was traveling cross-country and had an agenda. Presently, life consists of searching for new job postings in the morning, walking the dog, laying out by the pool, writing, and spending what time I can with the redhead. Thus is a much lighter schedule than I've kept in the past several years and it's killing me. I cannot stand this much time standing still.
I am teaching myself Adobe Flex. It's been years since I've learned a coding/computer language and I have certain uses for it. Also, 6 weeks is the amount of time it takes to learn 3 basic skills, 2 moderate skills, or 1 specialty skill. Figuring I start now, by September I should be alright, considering if I can make myself stick with it.
My economic situation is dismal and getting worse. My friend Chris is getting married August 15th and as part of the wedding party I must rent a tux. I had budgeted the amount I've paid for other weddings, however, the tuxedo Chris picked out is twice that amount and is only a dollar shy of being as much as my car payment. I'm dipping further into my dwindling savings to pony up for it, though. What else can you do for a friend? His bachelor party is this weekend as well, and while the room is paid for (by the other of our triumvirate) it is the duty of myself and the remainder of the groomsmen to keep him stupid drunk on the streets of Nashville Friday and Saturday night.
The redhead. I've not made much mention of her for a variety of reasons, though I suppose that part of my life needs be documented as well. She is the co-worker and fellow student of one of my ex-girlfriends (whom is married and still has drinks with me regularly). After seeing some work photos they had taken (they work at an animal hospital) I inquired jokingly to my ex about the "cute redhead". A week later, I'm sitting across from my ex and the redhead having drinks and we all end up back at my house watching movies. That was a Friday. The following Wednesday she came over by herself and since then it's been a back and forth with her coming here sometimes and very rarely me going to her house. She works two jobs and has been in a summer Histology course and this fall she'll be in her final semester of college for her B.S. in Biology.
She and I get along fine. She's a smartass. She's humorous. She's honest. She's absolutely lovely. The hiccup is that she has applied to veterinary schools, none of which are nearby. There is the (very) likely possibility that she'll be accepted and if so, she'd be gone after this semester. We've discussed this. It's (extremely) unfortunate that she I and I did not meet until now. She's not looking for a relationship as she doesn't want to have to end it shortly. As it stands, we enjoy one another's company. We enjoy the time we can spend together. I know my stake in this and we shall see what we shall see.
