17 posts tagged “baton rouge”

I've decided on my next two tattoos.

I've spent most of the week watching old interviews of Kurt Vonnegut. Some day I am struck by his loss so much that it hurts, but then I recall that he's just in a bad way in this particular moment. He's fine in so many other moments. Moments that he shared with us, left to us in words pressed on pages and in ideas that cannot be suppressed.

I've missed Kristin and Wendell and Mary And Erryca and life in Baton Rouge a lot recently. I cannot recall a time since then that I have felt so alive, so pleased with the simple fact I could draw in the same air as those people. Wine and cheese and Trivial Pursuit and sushi and salsa. Stealing roadsigns dressed as a priest and starting papers and quoting ATHF like it was scripture (which it is).

I need to incorporate that type of living back into my life. I want to have nice moments again.

"Another head aches, another heart breaks.
I am so much older than I can take.
And my affection, well it comes and goes.
I need direction to perfection, oh no no no no.

Help me out."
- The Killers, All These Things I've Done

I was looking at some pictures of an event this evening and realized how much difference there is in living and being alive. I am living, breathing, working, and dying now. I am not alive. There was something so beautiful and maddening in the frustration and growth that I found in Baton Rouge. I need more of that in my life. I need more people like Kristin and Wendell and Mary and T-dog and B-man. I need Wine and Cheese parties and drag shows and sushi and photography and adventure.

I need to find whatever it was I left behind in Baton Rouge.

This time last year, there wasn't a day I didn't smile, for one reason or another.
I lived with two of the most amazing people I have ever met.
They have healed my soul in ways I'm still not fully able to grasp at times.
And the puppies.
There's not a day I don't wish to hear the click-clack of Buddha and T-dog on hardwood.

I need to visit the city soon.
There's a part of me there that I need to reacquaint myself with.
There are things unresolved in the Red Stick.

Revel and rejoice, my friends.
And know that you are loved and missed.

It's 2:31 AM by count of my laptop (my desktop disagrees, saying it is already 2:32) and I have a Geography final in less than eight hours. Were I a different man, I'd probably be getting a good night's sleep about now. Instead, I am watching 28 Days Later while thumbing through a graphic design & letterhead book and performing file dumps across my home network.

It ain't much of a life, but it's what I've got.

I'd kill a man for a Lava Roll and Blue Moon from Tsunami. We won't even begin the list of things I'd do to someone for Louisianian company. Suffice to say that hammer and marlin hooks would be involved.

There are a good number of things I need in my life again; dogs, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, wine, dinner parties, margaritas, and laughter.
 
That list is not all inclusive nor specific to Louisiana. I'm just going to have to try and find what I can where I am.

Where'd the rum go? Oh, wait. I drank it all.

My going away party was a particularly smashing success. Much fun was had, debauchery ran amok, and I made out with someone I've had a crush on since I moved to Baton Rouge.

A gathering of friends.

Dorie and I; one bottle down, but two sheets to the wind.

Mr. Wendell T. (one of my housemates) and myself.

Dorie, Wendell, and myself.

Kristin (my other housemate) is having a good time.

Everything is packed into my truck (except for my laptop and myself). I'm going to grab 2-3 hours of sleep and then hit the highway.

I'm going to miss you, Baton Rouge. However, don't fret; I'll be back soon.

When I moved to Louisiana, it was because I had become disgusted with the stagnant nature of my life. I'd allowed myself to become trapped in a world where I was unhappy, staying online because I thought leaving would be worse.

I was wrong about the leaving.

I took a chance when I moved. I was going into the wild unknown. I had my guide, avec_elan. I'd done my research; however, research is never a substitute for real life experience. I moved with an open mind and no idea of what the future held for me. I moved for the experience of seeing another location. I wanted to walk on soil my feet had never known.

Four months later (nearly to the day), and I've quit one job and I'm moving to another. I'm going to be working as a shift manager in a fast food chain. Not exactly the life changing type of work I was looking for when I moved, but something, right? Except that when I moved, I had a clear idea in my head that I wanted to start school again, and soon. If anything, this summer and fall have shown me how desperate a part of me is to be in a classroom again. I want to learn, I want to immerse myself in knowledge and surround myself with people who desire the same.

I'm taking this job, not to propel myself towards that end I seek, but to maintain a status quo. I've found a delicate balance here, but is that really what I need? I moved here with the hope of finding a job that would allow me to pursue my education while gaining work experience at the same time; I have been denied those jobs because I did not have the educational certificate.

The question I pose to myself is this; is working in the restaurant not the same as working in the office you left in Alabama? Are you not locking yourself into something that moves you away from your goals?

I don't want to manage a restraunt.

I'm unsure why it did not hit me until this morning, but it's the truth. I have no real desire to go back to food service. The rational part of my brain knows it is just me grasping at straws to justify everything up to this point; I am chasing money, not happiness.

That should not be the case. I have had fun in Baton Rouge. I have learned a lot about myself. I have met wonderful people, had great experiences, and smiled. Oh, how I have smiled.

However, at this juncture, I must decide whether or not I am staying because it is not Alabama, or because it is the best thing for me. Staying in Louisiana means putting off school for another 8 months. I understand I am not old, but I am getting older. I'd prefer have one or two years between myself and 30 when I graduate. If I return to UNA, I can barrel through the remainder of my higher education on the crest of a wave of loans, which I would be unable to do in Louisiana.

A difficult decision, and a quandry I'd prefer not to be in. I must think about my own future and growth. It may be that I will have to return to that place I'd so long tried to escape for a season or two more before the world and all it has to offer will be fully open to me.

Too much weighing on my mind.

While waiting on my desktop to finish formatting, I've been reading through some of my old Open Diary entries (no longer on the site, but saved to a .doc file). I've got 315 pages worth of entries that span 3 years in that file.

So many things I'd forgotten. So many things I wish like hell I could forget.

It's all left me with the realization that I have no clue what the hell I'm doing with my life.

I'm trying to justify staying in Baton Rouge until next fall, but the urge to return to Alabama and use student loans to force-march my way through the remainder of my degree is strong. Even with this job at Cane's, I'll be putting off school for another 8 months, and it's doubtful that I'll be able to save much against what I'll need when I return to school.

Time marches on and waits for no man. I'll have to make a decision soon.

Oh, and I still haven't been able to play Oblivion. Stupid weekend.

I guess I should have done my homework, instead of taking hearsay for gospel. Louisiana residency requirements are 1 year (three hundred and sixty five whole days) of physical presence in the state before the first day of classes. I'd spoken to someone before, and they had told me they believed it was 6 months. I never checked up on it, I never did the research. I believed them. And now that belief is biting me in the ass.

This is the portion of this post where you can add in whichever explicatives you like. They'll all convey my dismay at the situation.

The $4,100 difference between in-state and out-of-state tuition is a little much to bear. That's nearly the price of two 12-hour semesters. Last night, after talking to Kristin, the fire in me to return to school was ignited. This just emptied an entire canister of fire-retardant foam onto that flame.

I know I just want to get a degree and get out of the country for a while. I want to escape these borders for a while, both physically and mentally. I know that I can borrow enough to stampede through my degree at UNA. That's the real silver lining in the thought of moving back to Alabama. That I could earn my B.S. in B.S. and then give a nice one-fingered salute to all of those recruiters who have overlooked me because of that piece of paper. Moving back to Alabama isn't a plesant thought, but sometimes we must do that which we would rather not so that we may later do what we desire.

In the eternal words of Joe Strummer, "Do I stay or do I go now?"

So much of who and what I am is worn on my sleeves; it's all in the shirt that I wear.

This past week was a brief respite from the depression that creeps ever inward with each passing day. Giving up and giving in and letting go.

But there's still so much I hold on to with a white-knuckled grip. Things I am afraid to let go of. Things about me and in me and parts of me that I fear losing or releasing. So much hatred and loathing and hauntings and dreams and self-doubt. When they are all that has dwelt in the house of Will for these long years, what would be left once they were evicted?

"When are you going to learn that not dying is not the same as being alive?"

I do not know what is left of me, or inside of me. I do what I can for others because there is something broken inside of me that I fear cannot be fixed. I do for others to hide this. so long as I am working on something for someone else no time is left for me to ruminate on the nature of this flawed and marred soul of mine. No quarter given to dark thoughts about the essence of my being and why it is that what I want for myself turns to ash before me.