4 posts tagged “dayna”

So much of who and what I am is worn on my sleeves; it's all in the shirt that I wear.

This past week was a brief respite from the depression that creeps ever inward with each passing day. Giving up and giving in and letting go.

But there's still so much I hold on to with a white-knuckled grip. Things I am afraid to let go of. Things about me and in me and parts of me that I fear losing or releasing. So much hatred and loathing and hauntings and dreams and self-doubt. When they are all that has dwelt in the house of Will for these long years, what would be left once they were evicted?

"When are you going to learn that not dying is not the same as being alive?"

I do not know what is left of me, or inside of me. I do what I can for others because there is something broken inside of me that I fear cannot be fixed. I do for others to hide this. so long as I am working on something for someone else no time is left for me to ruminate on the nature of this flawed and marred soul of mine. No quarter given to dark thoughts about the essence of my being and why it is that what I want for myself turns to ash before me.

Got a phone call this morning from Frank at Raising Cane's, who wanted me to meet with one of the General Managers at the Corporate and College store. Had a pretty good interview (40 minutes long), where we talked about Cane's, the job itself, growth potential, and other business related items. Sounds good. I should hear from them one way or the other on Monday.

In other news, I called the Starbucks recruiter back while I was driving to the Cane's interview, and I now have a phone interview set up with them on Monday afternoon. Hopefully, something will come from one (if not both) of these opportunities.

I have to take Dayna back to the airport tomorrow afternoon. I've enjoyed having her down for a visit, and it's been fun times hanging out with her and Wendell T. I've shown her titties and drag queens, and tonight we're adding an improv show to that list of things we've seen and/or done in Baton Rouge. No, this trip will not end with a whimper, but with a bang.

Dayna and I saw Lorca in a Green Dress last night at Swine Palace. Quite a wonderful show. Afterward, we rushed over to Tsunami to meet amicablebitch and to put delicious sushi in our tummies. When we had had our fill, we headed back towards campus, where we stopped by Chimes and I had some drinks and conversation with Wendell T. before heading home.

When we returned home, I had a vodka and sprite half-and-half, which on top of two Blue Moons and an Irish Car Bomb put me down. I don't remember falling asleep last night, just waking up at 6 this morning face down on my bed with the dogs curled up next to me.

The job search has stagnated. There's not much listed on craigslist, Monster, Hotjobs, or The Advocate's site that either a) I'm qualified for or b) will pay as much or more than RadioShack. Disappointing. I sent out another batch of emails to the people and places I had applied to previously just to keep in touch with them. Maybe something will turn up. If not, we'll just have to see what options I have available to me.

Two strip clubs in three days. At least these girls were much more attractive than the others.

Spending money I don't need to spend just so I can keep smiling. Sometimes it is hard to be alive.

Tonight, while sitting at the bar next to Dayna, this shot girl sat next to me and struck up a conversation. Not the usual, "Hey, look at me I'm selling shots and lapdances, don't you want one?" conversation, but along the lines of, "Hey, look, hell must have frozen over because the Saints are winning thier third game in a row." She and I talked about the different patrons of the strip club and the girls dancing on stage. We both smiled.

Therein lies the venom of the situation. I know that more than likely, she just wanted me to buy her a drink or buy a drink and/or dance from her. It was a strip club on a slow night, and I was sitting at the bar drinking straight whisky. Sad, that's the most human interaction I've had with a female in a while. Just exacerbates the loneliness that's been gnawing at me. It's never the coffee shop or bookstore where I happen to meet some girl I can talk to like that -- it's always a fuckin' bar or strip club.

A year and a half and there's been no female I've been interested in who has reciprocated the feeling. It's been a hard stretch of road lately, more so because I walk it alone.